When I drilled my hole, I didn't want to live anymore, because it was just me alone with the numbers. But instead, I survived, and the hole made my thoughts clearer. It was as if the hole was telling me to live.
So I thought I should hope for other things to change too. Even though still, people can only see me as a man with a hole in his head.
It helped two people and killed the rest. It isn't some guarantee. Its like giving someone poison and saying it will help everyone if they happen to survive it.
Fukuda. You aren't some savior of the free world. Nobody asked you to be. Nobody needs you to be. You may have helped some, but you also killed people who had families, people who had lives, people who may have been able to find other ways of dealing with their problems.
You helped some, but there's blood on your hands. Do you want more? Even if someone asks for one, do you truly feel the weight of that decision? Or do you just want to shove your holes down people's throats and see if it will stick?
[People with families, lives, other options... How is he meant to understand things like that? Things he never had in the first place.]
... Someone else used that word at the trial. [Savior, he means.] I never used it. I wouldn't use it. Just because I wanted to help people doesn't make me special, especially because the only way I knew how to help people was to give them a hole. Any time I try to help another way it just goes wrong.
...I understand you too well. You're the one who keeps using your hole like a mask, Fukuda.
You aren't a hole. You're a flawed, lonely man who desperately wants a normal life, friends, and family like everyone else. You want to help others and be acknowledged. Is that not true? You were cursed, and now you're not, and so you use your hole as a way to try to obtain what you never had.
But you can't understand why I had to do it. No matter what I say... That's why there's always a distance between me and other people. Even the ones who don't hate me for it like you.
Stop being upset over things you can't change. Start making strides towards things you can. You have a future. You have things at your fingertips. Don't throw what you have away. There is no point for longing for things you will never have.
Stop being envious and start to be grateful for the things you have. Which is a high order, but if you just keep desperately wanting things or wishing your situation is going to get better, its not. Wanting doesn't do anything. It only makes you feel worse.
[Which is something that he needs to follow himself, but...at least he knows the hell that it is.]
You are not Misa. Your situation and hers may look similar, but they're different. What happened, happened. You can't go back and change the past.
[He understands it from Limbo, but isn't this Douman human? He can't bring himself to point that out, for some reason.]
Even if I could stop myself from wanting things to be better than they are, there wouldn't be any point in being alive. "Things are never going to get any better than they are now" was what I was thinking when I put that drill to my head.
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You'd rather die than consider your hole as anything but a blessing.
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[He's silent for a long moment.]
When I drilled my hole, I didn't want to live anymore, because it was just me alone with the numbers. But instead, I survived, and the hole made my thoughts clearer. It was as if the hole was telling me to live.
So I thought I should hope for other things to change too. Even though still, people can only see me as a man with a hole in his head.
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The hole saved you. But Fukuda...that doesn't mean holes can save everyone else. It wouldn't save me, for example. Even if I asked for it.
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Fukuda. You aren't some savior of the free world. Nobody asked you to be. Nobody needs you to be. You may have helped some, but you also killed people who had families, people who had lives, people who may have been able to find other ways of dealing with their problems.
You helped some, but there's blood on your hands. Do you want more? Even if someone asks for one, do you truly feel the weight of that decision? Or do you just want to shove your holes down people's throats and see if it will stick?
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... Someone else used that word at the trial. [Savior, he means.] I never used it. I wouldn't use it. Just because I wanted to help people doesn't make me special, especially because the only way I knew how to help people was to give them a hole. Any time I try to help another way it just goes wrong.
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What other ways have you even tried?
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[Trying to help at the trial. When he'd suggested Wrath as a suspect the previous week that had gone wrong too.]
Anyway you're proving exactly what the problem is with the hole.
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And what am I proving? Tell me.
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You aren't a hole. You're a flawed, lonely man who desperately wants a normal life, friends, and family like everyone else. You want to help others and be acknowledged. Is that not true? You were cursed, and now you're not, and so you use your hole as a way to try to obtain what you never had.
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[Well. Damn.]
But you can't understand why I had to do it. No matter what I say... That's why there's always a distance between me and other people. Even the ones who don't hate me for it like you.
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Its like you're upset people won't reach you on your personal island even though they have no boat and have no idea how to make that boat.
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[Which is something that he needs to follow himself, but...at least he knows the hell that it is.]
You are not Misa. Your situation and hers may look similar, but they're different. What happened, happened. You can't go back and change the past.
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[He understands it from Limbo, but isn't this Douman human? He can't bring himself to point that out, for some reason.]
Even if I could stop myself from wanting things to be better than they are, there wouldn't be any point in being alive. "Things are never going to get any better than they are now" was what I was thinking when I put that drill to my head.
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[Douman just huffs.]
Is being alive just...wanting more? Is that really what being alive means? Why are people who are the happiest the ones who do not want for anything?
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